I’m kind of stuck in a never ending circle that I feel weighing more heavily today. There’s that unexplained background anxiety… what’s that for? Am I mistaking the the name? The label? The anxiety itself?
Is it really the unexplained terror I fear it is, or will be – or is it something else less threatening? I’m starting to question it this evening. Just because today feels worse than some other days, does that have to mean it’s something real? So, ok it’s real because I feel it but I don’t know why. It’s one of those days when you feel it grabbing at you and it makes me feel wary. Is it safer to just stay in bed? Thing is, it’s there and I’m fearful of it taking over , of course that’s not really helpful for feeling bright and sunny!
Deep joy.
So. Does it help to hang a different label on it? Maybe to cope with today’s anxiety I’ve got to accept it but not give it more importance than it deserves. There are many things wrong and worrying at the moment but I know there are good things around too. Funny how we never chase happy thoughts around and round till we feel exhausted with it… I want to give my feelings the respect they deserve but I don’t need the rock around my neck. Staying tucked away safe and snug out of sight, maybe the monster called Anxiety won’t notice me? Yeah – fat chance. This reminds me of trying to stay out of sight of the school bullies, the overwhelming thought of what you have to face if it sees you and you can’t get away. Because of never having had any help and learning to face them, dreading having to go alone and tough it out, never learning any coping strategies except trying to get away, there are no strategies in place to deal with facing Anxiety either ( or depression ) and when you’re stuck in the cycle it’s hard to teach yourself how to cope.
What’s up with today anyway? I have no clue why today feels worse than other days but it does help a bit to remember it’s not as though I’ve never been worse and still emerged the other side. I am not a complete idiot ( some parts are missing ) and I do know enough to keep myself afloat. Just about… it’s that or sink with style!
If it’s true that feeling anxious about something – or even about nothing – is the old ‘fight or flight’ adrenaline kicking in then maybe that could be used for something wonderful. I’m thinking use this anxiety to fuel something useful ( As much as it seems like a waste of good adrenaline to be useful instead of wonderful it’s the best I can do at short notice) and help myself a little… Wish me luck…
xx
A journey-living with depression and anxiety 