So, feeling that I’m is useless is a fine way to start the rest of my life. Because that’s what this is, the start of the rest of my life. Each moment is a new start but I can’t keep starting again and again every moment, because of course all those new starts would be exhausting! I think maybe a better way to treat it is like the chance to take small victories forwards, trying to build on that is far better for me at the moment than the big grand guesture of ‘A New Start’. I want to make a fresh start, I want to feel as though I could turn all this on it’s head but I don’t want to keep failing when my old insecurities and loathing make a whole New Start right along with me
Me: Right, Im not having this, I’ve felt low for long enough,I don’t have to live like this. Everyone else can make a fantastic success of life, so can I. Time for the famous A New Start.
My Depression: Ok, what are we waiting for? Lets do this!
How tiresome to start all over again dragging the same old baggage around. I would like to work on trying to accept that no, it’s not going away overnight, yes, it’s part of me but no it doesn’t have to be the only part worthy of notice. Mine or anyone’s for that matter. I’d like to accept that most of the time that whole need to hide the issue of my own depression is just one of the things I’m wasting my energy on… what can i do that’s a better use of energy?
I don’t have too much energy at the best of times, being in pain day after day is wearing me out enough on it’s own without being aided and abetted by other wearisome things. The get up and go got up and went, taking the spring chicken with it. I’d like to be serenely sailing into my later life holding the wisdom of the universe, dispensing kindness and knowledge freely – instead of which I seem to be lurching from one crisis to another dispensing slightly hare-brained chatter and a pat on the back to all around me, leaving a wake of people behind me who are actually probably rather befuddled as I pass by, trailing what I fondly imagine to be sageness with savoir-faire.
So, time to adjust my thinking slightly. Easy enough to say! Funny how it’s as clear as mud…