Hitting the lows… Time for A New Start?

Posted on by pilgrimnow

So, feeling that I’m is useless is a fine way to start the rest of my life. Because that’s what this is, the start of the rest of my life. Each moment is a new start but I can’t keep starting again and again every moment, because of course all those new starts would be exhausting! I think maybe a better way to treat it is like the chance to take small victories forwards, trying to build on that is far better for me at the moment than the big grand guesture of    ‘A New Start’. I want to make a fresh start, I want to feel as though I could turn all this on it’s head but I don’t want to keep failing when my old insecurities and loathing make a whole New Start right along with me

Me:   Right, Im not having this, I’ve felt low for long enough,I don’t have to live like this. Everyone else can make a fantastic success of life, so can I. Time for the famous A New Start.

My Depression:  Ok, what are we waiting for? Lets do this!

How tiresome to start all over again dragging the same old baggage around. I would like to work on trying to accept that no, it’s not going away overnight, yes, it’s part of me but no it doesn’t have to be the only part worthy of notice. Mine or anyone’s for that matter. I’d like to accept that most of the time that whole need to hide the issue of my own depression is just one of the things I’m wasting my energy on… what can  i do that’s a better use of energy?

I don’t have too much energy at the best of times, being in pain day after day is wearing me out enough on it’s own without being aided and abetted by other wearisome things. The get up and go got up and went, taking the spring chicken with it.  I’d like to be serenely sailing into my later life holding the wisdom of the universe, dispensing kindness and knowledge freely – instead of which I seem to be lurching from one crisis to another dispensing slightly hare-brained chatter and a pat on the back to all around me, leaving a wake of people behind me who are actually probably rather befuddled as I pass by, trailing what I fondly imagine to be  sageness with savoir-faire.

So, time to adjust my thinking slightly.  Easy enough to say! Funny how it’s as clear as mud…

Published by pilgrimnow

I'm just an ordinary person, trying to live with the twists and turns on life's path and there have been plenty of those! I've had a lifelong argument with my inner self. The two of me are the one who hides the depression, anxiety, self loathing and sometimes crippling doubt and social awkwardness and the one who argues that mental health problems are not something to be ignored and hidden through shame. Ater a traumatic family period I lost the plot somewhat suffering severe post natel depression, death of a loved one, my child living elsewhere for a while and a divorce. An abusive marriage followed, along with a close brush with death a few times including a brain injury in my late 30s has left lasting physical and mental challenges along with chronic pain and stress. As a parent now of older kids and a teen, married to a spouse on the autistic spectrum (although undiagnosed) I've got a fairly wide outlook on life. I've had psychiatric treatment on and off for years since my teens but I feel that there are ways now to keep myself better informed, maybe that will help me help myself more, understand myself a little better and hopefully find a friendly face or two on the way?

6 thoughts on “Hitting the lows… Time for A New Start?”

  1. I had depression for a long time. For me, progress was made in small steps. And sometimes I went backwards, which was frustrating and made me feel like I’d failed and needed to start over. But eventually I realised that was just how things worked–life is just a bit snakes-and-ladders in design–and that I needed to stop beating myself up for it. And when I moved forward again it wasn’t necessarily easier, but I’d done it before and it was a little less strange and a little more familiar. Because it wasn’t a fresh start. Each time I had more experience, more knowledge about myself and the world, and a greater capacity for kindness toward myself.

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    1. So true, much of life is about those small steps that can teach you a lot. Forwards, backwards and accepting forwards again, without hurting yourself for being human and needing learn to trust what you have seen about yourself and life. Thank you for your comment!

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