Hurting today.

Trying to get my fears and worries straightened  out without hurting anyone , trying to hide the problems, appear strong. Protect the ones I love.

But there’s trouble here, as much as I’m trying to force out the darkness and keep all under my wing secure.

I’m hurting so much, I don’t know where to turn. I’ve lost my friends because I haven’t had the energy and interest to keep being interested and interesting. 

I can’t speak to my partner, not because he’s deliberately not interested but he’s not, really. He’s said himself that all he can do is agree with me, he doesn’t know what to say or how to think so although you’d imagine it would be good to have someone agree with all you say , actually it’s awful sometimes because I know I’m talking to myself.

He can only nod and agree with all I say – so I am sitting talking to my own reflection and like my reflection when I move away the memory, the involvement is finished. 

Moving pictures and bright colours catch his attention and the focus is away from me and on to the distraction  or whatever the interest is. Not deliberately, it just happens and I can see it every time. I hurt every time. But it’s not anyone’s fault and I feel guilty for minding…

There is polite pretence at listening , understanding, but no pretend involvement- that isn’t really understood and after all these years it’s known it isn’t needed, really. 

Only by me… 

Yes, but that part of me isn’t understandable by my life partner. It’s  that the mental wires just don’t connect his real understanding and engagement, any involvement or investment. 

It’s not deliberately done, it just happens, it’s difficult to keep his attention for too long. That timeframe varies so much too.

It’s so hard to always be the support, forever understanding how his wiring works. He’s worth it but it’s lonely and I don’t know where to go from here. It’s sad but I won’t keep on except when I think it’s really important. 

This, the latest thing is important. One big thing balanced on top of a tottering pile of small, medium and big unresolved problems.

Is there any good in me? These continual failures are adding up. .

It’s painful.

I so want to help , but the harder I try the more mess I make.

I feel stupid for hoping there was any way forward, well , any improvements for me anyway. Partner is completely happy with how things are. That’s the thing with being on the autistic spectrum. His social responses, they aren’t there in the way other people expect them to be.  For us, what’s  reasonable and normal is not at all what others expect but we manage.

It would be cruel of me to turn that inside out.

I don’t want to cause hurt, I’m grateful for the things I have, I truly am.  I don’t need much to be fair, just want some support and care through the painful times.

Maybe one day I will learn to live with what I have. Im just in pain now. It’ll pass.

So tired.

Pilgrim