Yesterday I was finishing off a blog post that I had put quite a bit of myself into.

Then I accidentally deleted the post. I was so upset . Wasted all that time writing then another 2 hours trying to get it back. I hate wasting time like that, because I tend to procrastinate anyway which just makes it worse.

It’s been a really hard week after the sudden death of someone close. Feeling upset about something so trivial after a huge emotional blow seems so disrespectful which is upsetting in itself. It’s hard to remember it’s not surprising that small things seem to take on a bigger impact than they deserve, it’s not surprising that my mind seems to be working in fits and starts .

The impact of this death on my family has been huge. It’s my job as a parent and family member to put the family and friends first, to be a support and sounding board, to listen and offer what small comfort is possible, to hold , to have understanding of each persons individual reactions, memories and feelings, each persons pain and guilt but also the laughs and recollection of the many happy times shared.

It’s normal for me to tend to my own self care last. That’s something that has been happening for many years. But at the moment it’s not helpful for me to neglect my own health – unfortunately I’m unable to change the habit of so many years. I know the cycle very well, the result of me giving everything to everyone is going to end in a crash for me and my trying to hide the extent of my failure to cope.

The balance of pain and anxiety, worthlessness and self loathing against positivity is out of proportion.

Being in a dark place again is becoming overwhelming, the inability to concentrate and focus, the feelings of failure when another day passes without managing to cope with the general things in life that build up if we don’t get them done. My coping mechanism is beginning to break again.

I’m trying to even out the scales of life a bit. The recent death has weighed heavily and joined with the weight of the normal problems in my life but I’m now trying to even things out a bit. I notice the storm clouds are dark but there is beauty and majesty there too. I see how the grass recovers to stand again after being bent, bruised, crushed against the cold hard ground, even after being broken . I see the beauty and future in the sunrise but also the richness and promise of change and moving forward in the sunset. The silent company and unconditional undemanding love I have around me from my animals has always been immensely important and such a comfort.

I hope to be able to cope with the latest challenge, I hope to be able to be the unending support at any hour of the day or night that I need to be. Mostly I hope to be able to accept this pain and uncertainty with strength to spare.

2 thoughts on “Ffs

  1. darling, I’m sorry to hear you are in pain, death is a huge thing, loss is a huge thing,it often comes from nowhere which makes it difficult to comprehend but you have written about it which is amazing. You are managing it without knowing it, I don’t know who you have lost but you have to also come to terms with how you are feeling, trust me putting other people first is great but your feelings are valid too. If you need to cry, cry, you aren’t a robot! Keeping those feelings inside doesn’t help at all! I think self care is an important thing, you are just as important as everyone else, allow yourself to feel sad, it’s healthy, it’s what grief is, you are managing brilliantly lovely xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’re such an amazing writer!! This was a beautiful post, and I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. You definitely deserve to look after yourself, and I totally understand putting everyone else first and looking after everyone else before yourself, but you certainly do need time for self-care, time to grieve, time to cry and to feel what you’re feeling. You’re a beautiful person xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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