Author: pilgrimnow

Today I wanted to write about the effects of living with taking lots of medication.

First though, before I start waffling I’d like to say something. I have recently been in a hard place mentally, been struggling with the demons of depression and have had some trouble getting the anxiety under control…

Thank you Gem @GemsQuirkyGemsQuirky for reaching out and touching me when it mattered.This girl is a star and does a great podcast too!

So, living on medication. I take a fair few medications for one thing or another ( and another. And another. And anoth… Ah, you know ) so I do understand how it feels to spend your days in a cloud. What I don’t quite get is the change from one day to the next how these drugs affect me – some days I feel quite with it, fairly on the ball. Other days I’m so far off the ball Im not too sure there ever was a ball – was I imaging the ball? Maybe the ball is off having a cup of tea with the plot coz I lost that too.

Ok, I knew it. Here’s where the waffle starts now, please feel free to laugh.

I heard someone mention brain fog the other day. Oh yes, I feel that lady’s point. Brain fog, it’s a state I find myself in frequently. When you feel as if you ( just you ) are looking out through a thick layer of fog that’s wrapped around you, you’re breathing it in and it’s moulded around your contours, weighing you down.

I haven’t ever spoken to my doctor about this. I wonder what he’d say?

I don’t want the hassle of trying to cope with the effects of changing my meds. I’ve no clue which one causes brain fog and fatigue- most of them probably. There must be some sort of reaction between all these pills – sometimes I think there’s some kind of chemical fusion reaction happening!

There’s a strange sort of fascination in me about the effects of all these drugs. I recon I’ve got more shit floating around in me than most people would think is possible but I do still give myself a hard time for feeling tired or foggy.

I’m going to try and find out a bit more about how medication affects fatigue. I expect there’s a lot of information out there about it, I just haven’t come across it yet.

I’ll come back with a future post about what I find!

Trying to get my fears and worries straightened  out without hurting anyone , trying to hide the problems, appear strong. Protect the ones I love.

But there’s trouble here, as much as I’m trying to force out the darkness and keep all under my wing secure.

I’m hurting so much, I don’t know where to turn. I’ve lost my friends because I haven’t had the energy and interest to keep being interested and interesting. 

I can’t speak to my partner, not because he’s deliberately not interested but he’s not, really. He’s said himself that all he can do is agree with me, he doesn’t know what to say or how to think so although you’d imagine it would be good to have someone agree with all you say , actually it’s awful sometimes because I know I’m talking to myself.

He can only nod and agree with all I say – so I am sitting talking to my own reflection and like my reflection when I move away the memory, the involvement is finished. 

Moving pictures and bright colours catch his attention and the focus is away from me and on to the distraction  or whatever the interest is. Not deliberately, it just happens and I can see it every time. I hurt every time. But it’s not anyone’s fault and I feel guilty for minding…

There is polite pretence at listening , understanding, but no pretend involvement- that isn’t really understood and after all these years it’s known it isn’t needed, really. 

Only by me… 

Yes, but that part of me isn’t understandable by my life partner. It’s  that the mental wires just don’t connect his real understanding and engagement, any involvement or investment. 

It’s not deliberately done, it just happens, it’s difficult to keep his attention for too long. That timeframe varies so much too.

It’s so hard to always be the support, forever understanding how his wiring works. He’s worth it but it’s lonely and I don’t know where to go from here. It’s sad but I won’t keep on except when I think it’s really important. 

This, the latest thing is important. One big thing balanced on top of a tottering pile of small, medium and big unresolved problems.

Is there any good in me? These continual failures are adding up. .

It’s painful.

I so want to help , but the harder I try the more mess I make.

I feel stupid for hoping there was any way forward, well , any improvements for me anyway. Partner is completely happy with how things are. That’s the thing with being on the autistic spectrum. His social responses, they aren’t there in the way other people expect them to be.  For us, what’s  reasonable and normal is not at all what others expect but we manage.

It would be cruel of me to turn that inside out.

I don’t want to cause hurt, I’m grateful for the things I have, I truly am.  I don’t need much to be fair, just want some support and care through the painful times.

Maybe one day I will learn to live with what I have. Im just in pain now. It’ll pass.

So tired.

Pilgrim

Sometimes you have to feel a little hope.  Hope that your next project will come off, or that your last project stays successful.  Hope that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, or that the light says bright for a while.

I don’t feel cheated when the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a light to shine along the path ahead, I just get a bit pissed off when the light shows itself for a bit then is snuffed out as if it simply didn’t exist – a bit of a will of the wisp. Leading you onward with the promise of good times ahead.

Thing is, there are good times ahead aren’t there? Even when the wisp of light is dim or has disappeared it’ll be back – often when you don’t expect it. There is a corner up ahead or a fork in the road. Both of those things need dealing with, in maybe slightly different ways though.

Thing is, we do have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of our choices. But our choices don’t always lead us to where we were expecting to go, do they? So many times I have hated myself and berated myself, shown no tolerance for the mistakes I have made. Often those mistakes are influenced by circumstance and I have blown the problem out of all propotion in my mind…

Thing is, no one wants to think they are weak but it’s natural to notice there is weakness inside us. We all have weaknesses. All of us. We have strengths too but sometimes in  response to what’s happening around us things can all be too much and we understandably  get swamped for a bit.

Remembering how I would treat a loved one in my situation does help sometimes. I find words of encouragement then! Also, I do talk to myself. That way I can be sure someone is listening 🙂  Give yourself a break, treat yourself and speak to yourself the way you would someone you really care about. It’s worth a try, really it is.

X

Funnily, I’ve been putting this off for a couple of days…

I really feel that procrastination is a big stumbling block on my journey.   Nearly every time I decide on a plan of action I find a multitude of things to do first, often things that could be done later or not at all just yet.  Unfortunately this isn’t really helpful on my quest to feel better about myself, I usually can’t understand where the time has gone. Maybe time to check the clocks in the house for accurate to-the-second timekeeping. Or clean the clock. Or maybe it’s a better idea to just think back to where I might have lost anywhere between several minutes to several hours? Err, what was I doing?

I’ve even found ways to avoid making simple steps to do something about that,seems  I’m good at losing time, maybe not so hot at keeping it!

So I’ve decided to look into some ways to get a grip on it.

I’ve a few new thoughts on ways to manage it. It appears that this is often linked with anxiety and depression and it’s a problem thats never going to make me feel upbeat about the day, unless I saw the day being spent wandering around finding ways to waste the day…

Some ways of getting to grips with procrastiation include ideas like if you are the kind of person who responds well to being encouraged by friends try setting a goal for yourself and asking friends on social media to get behind encouraging you.

That really doesn’t work for me, it’s just not my thing at all. I hate asking anyone for help.

So alternatively if you’d rather keep your goal to yourself try setting an alarm, this helps remind you of how quickly time slips by with an added bonus of you knowing a task should be started and/or completed by your alarm time! Probably breaking a big thing into smaller chunks when you can is useful sometimes but don’t overwhelm yourself with lots of tasks that you will avoid…  Is it questionable though whether that will just remind me how useless I am at getting things done?

A bit of delegating can help if that’s possible – in other words getting someone else to help get something done can give you a push to get your part of the job done, it’s not good to have that other person giving you The Look.. you know, the one that says ‘what are you waiting for??’ Ah, there’s guilt again.

Everyone has stumbling blocks, it’s ok to know you have flaws. Really expecting too much of yourself leads to bigger stumbles and eventually longer spaces between trying.

Interestingly, I reckon I procrastinate because I feel it’s easier not to face the world and try to achieve something. I find it very hard to try to achieve when someone – anyone,anyone at all – could see me. I frequently don’t want to try anything if someone else could possibly watch me. It’s hard to find a way of doing something where there is nobody at all who can see. It’s not practical or even possible to do everything privately, rationally of course I know that but do still find it hard to be seen, in fact it’s harder as I’ve got older. That’s something I need to get to grips with a bit, if I find a way to do that it would help a great deal…

Watch this space?  Or shall I have another cup of tea first?

x

So, feeling that I’m is useless is a fine way to start the rest of my life. Because that’s what this is, the start of the rest of my life. Each moment is a new start but I can’t keep starting again and again every moment, because of course all those new starts would be exhausting! I think maybe a better way to treat it is like the chance to take small victories forwards, trying to build on that is far better for me at the moment than the big grand guesture of    ‘A New Start’. I want to make a fresh start, I want to feel as though I could turn all this on it’s head but I don’t want to keep failing when my old insecurities and loathing make a whole New Start right along with me

Me:   Right, Im not having this, I’ve felt low for long enough,I don’t have to live like this. Everyone else can make a fantastic success of life, so can I. Time for the famous A New Start.

My Depression:  Ok, what are we waiting for? Lets do this!

How tiresome to start all over again dragging the same old baggage around. I would like to work on trying to accept that no, it’s not going away overnight, yes, it’s part of me but no it doesn’t have to be the only part worthy of notice. Mine or anyone’s for that matter. I’d like to accept that most of the time that whole need to hide the issue of my own depression is just one of the things I’m wasting my energy on… what can  i do that’s a better use of energy?

I don’t have too much energy at the best of times, being in pain day after day is wearing me out enough on it’s own without being aided and abetted by other wearisome things. The get up and go got up and went, taking the spring chicken with it.  I’d like to be serenely sailing into my later life holding the wisdom of the universe, dispensing kindness and knowledge freely – instead of which I seem to be lurching from one crisis to another dispensing slightly hare-brained chatter and a pat on the back to all around me, leaving a wake of people behind me who are actually probably rather befuddled as I pass by, trailing what I fondly imagine to be  sageness with savoir-faire.

So, time to adjust my thinking slightly.  Easy enough to say! Funny how it’s as clear as mud…

Why, when I’m light and high

Does the heaviness come and make me cry?

Climbing up from the deepest pit, it takes so long

It makes me sick.

The slide back down to my own hell

It’s so fast.Will I ever be well?

It comes from nowhere

Out of the blue

How much more can I take

If it’s for my own sake?

I feel so alone

Even in my own home

I’m scared and in pain

What is there to gain?

I try so hard to leave it behind

But it’s always there

Strong in my mind.

It’s a chain ’round my soul

Pinning me down.

So tired of this fight.

Why can’t my life

Ever be right?

I’m kind of stuck in a never ending circle that I feel weighing more heavily today. There’s that unexplained background anxiety… what’s that for? Am I mistaking the the name? The label? The anxiety itself?

Is it really the unexplained terror I fear it is, or will be – or is it something else less threatening? I’m starting to question it this evening. Just because  today feels worse than some other days, does that have to mean it’s something real? So, ok it’s real because I feel it but I don’t know why. It’s one of those days when you feel it grabbing at you and it makes me feel wary. Is it safer to just stay in bed? Thing is, it’s there and I’m fearful of it taking over , of course that’s not really helpful for feeling bright and sunny!

Deep joy.

So. Does it help to hang a different label on it? Maybe to cope with today’s anxiety I’ve got to accept it but not give it more importance than it deserves. There are many things wrong and worrying at the moment but I know there are good things around too. Funny how we never chase happy thoughts around and round till we feel exhausted with it… I want to give my feelings the respect they deserve but I don’t need the rock around my neck. Staying tucked away safe and snug out of sight, maybe the monster called Anxiety won’t notice me? Yeah – fat chance. This reminds me of trying to stay out of sight of the school bullies, the overwhelming thought of what you have to face if it sees you and you can’t get away. Because of never having had any help and learning to face them, dreading having to go alone and tough it out, never  learning any coping strategies except trying to get away, there are no strategies in place to deal with facing Anxiety either ( or depression ) and when you’re stuck in the cycle it’s hard to teach yourself how to cope.

What’s up with today anyway? I have no clue why today feels worse than other days but it does help a bit to remember it’s not as though I’ve never been worse and still emerged the other side. I am not a complete idiot ( some parts are missing ) and I do know enough to keep myself afloat. Just about… it’s that or sink with style!

If it’s true that feeling anxious about something – or even about nothing – is the old ‘fight or flight’ adrenaline kicking in then maybe that could be used for something wonderful. I’m thinking use this anxiety to fuel something useful  ( As  much as it seems like a waste of good adrenaline to be useful instead of wonderful it’s the best I can do at short notice) and help myself a little… Wish me luck…

xx

I’m so worried about my children. I feel as though I can’t cope with the stress well. I’m so anxious. Why can’t I get on with  being a strong calm capable parent who is a great role model? Other people can do it, why can’t I?

I feel as though I worry too much and I show it, they shouldn’t see me like this.

Ok. So starting from the top – it’s ok to be worried about your family, that’s part of the joys of parenting! Along with the love comes worry at every stage of their lives and showing them you worry is part of the balancing act that being a parent is. Every day we juggle our lives to do the best for them and often we put what’s best for us last. But you have a real obligation to teach them that it’s normal and natural to have negative experiences and it’s how you go forward (even if it’s slowly!)  and you show them you love them that matters the most. Of course you don’t want them to see you in a mess but we do have to remember that we are who we are and hiding every sign of trouble won’t help set them up to cope with their own problematic feelings. We need to show them that mental illness isn’t something to be ashamed of.

There are so many ways of helping yourself get through the stressful times but when you’re in the middle of a stressful situation you often can’t see a way forward. What matters here is remembering that there is a way, we have to find the one that works for us. After all our worries and stress are individual to us so the way forward will be too, yes? A few ideas that I try to do include

• Try to get some exercise. Even a short brisk walk can help,it releases feel good hormones and helps to ease the feelings of  ‘fight or flight’ that stress gives us. If you work maybe you could get a quick walk in at lunchtime or after work? If you have small kids at home strap them in the buggy and off you go. Often though if you’ve got more than one it’s not practical to go for some sort of power walk so maybe try some fun exercises at home that they can do with you? Or you could try a quick exercise routine when they have a nap? Or maybe try dancing to the radio with them? You might not feel like dancing and singing but it can really help.
• I spend a lot of time with my animals. My dogs give me unending love and never judge me or think I’m stupid. They have saved my life and are always there, ready to just be with me, no matter what.
• Sounds obvious but lack of sleep is a real downer. A routine can really help and maybe trying some relaxation techniques before bed. I’m still struggling with this one!
• Make a list of things you have to do, try to prioritise and a big thing is then crossing them off the list as you go – but really, don’t try to do it all at once. I keep a diary and try to complete one or two really important things a week and those days  I’m feeling stronger I can complete more. I also sometimes note the things I have done during the day, even if its only getting a meal on the table. You can then look back over your week and feel proud that you have managed to complete some of those things!
• Not everyone can present a calm front without fail. In fact most people have moments they feel they can’t help showing their feelings. I believe it’s reasonable to show your family that it’s ok to have strong feelings. It’s not possible for me to present a perfect image to absolutely everyone and I have to have somewhere or someone I can trust to express some of my feelings too. I’m still trying to learn not to feel guilty about burdening others with my pain and fear but I fully support others needing someone to talk to so why can’t I accept that I deserve the same? Maybe being a great role model includes showing that having difficulties is ok. That we are allowed to have sadness and fearful thoughts, that depression isn’t a shameful condition we have brought on ourselves.
• Its no use comparing ourselves to others. We are all different, individuals with our own problems and others have their problems too. There are many things about you ( and me! ) that are great, I’m trying to learn to appreciate my better points, that’s part of this journey I’m on. It’s hard because my natural mindset defaults to feeling like shit but somewhere in there there is someone who is doing it, putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe sometimes it’s one step forward and two back but I’m trying to find my way.
• Seeking help for depression from professional bodies is the way forward but for me trying to learn a bit more about depression and anxiety has helped  me understand myself better and not be quite so hard on myself every time. I just wish I could do better with that one. I’m hoping to improve that as I go on this journey and hoping that I can learn more about how to cope as I go.

This journey started early one morning nearly 50 years ago… when I was born.

I didn’t know it but my life wasn’t going to run along the tracks as smoothly as I imagined everybody else’s did.

I was always shy, as far back as I can remember with a general dread of being left by my loved ones. No, I never knew why but I had a deep feeling of fear , being alone, being left, being rejected. Not good enough… strange really as I had a good childhood with a loving family.

There have been some really pretty awful times, there have been some really great times. But somehow that feeling of dread, guilt, fear of rejection, fear of being found out that I didn’t really belong stuck with me and it brought it’s friends to the party too.

I was born and brought up in a village in the countryside, I loved the nature around me, loved being off to the woods on my own – hang on! Didn’t I just say I had a fear of being alone? Ah, but no one said this flood of feelings was going to be easy. No, for me being left alone and choosing to take off on my own were two very different things and the two made for an interesting mix – not forgetting our old friends dread, guilt,fear, rejection anxiety, a growing social anxiety along with a ton of other things I couldn’t put a finger on.

Anyway, back to the woods and fields. Oh I so wanted a dog, man’s best friend. All that unconditional love. I desperately wanted a pony too. Who needs human friends when surrounded by all that love? I knew with no shadow of doubt my parents loved me too, but of course there was always that self doubt and loathing. I wasn’t really deserving of that love, right?

Time went by. Primary school was bearable, more or less -until early puberty started to stick it’s nose in. Totally uncalled for, in my opinion. Also totally unwelcome! All those hormones milling about, causing no end of chaos.

Secondary school started bad, got worse and went rapidly downhill from there. My parents were unendingly patient which I rewarded accordingly by becoming a bit of a wild child. Psychiatric treatment followed, a resounding failure in my opinion.It certainly didn’t touch the subject of my private agony, didn’t address the severe bullying I was subjected to, that I was ashamed to tell my parents the extent of, the attacks that got gradually worse, the rapidly growing gulf between me and ‘them’ , my supposed peers. I learned to pretend it wasn’t happening, hadn’t happened and when I couldn’t escape I found a front to put on, to hide the vunerable me and bluff over my terror. Becoming a bit wild was a response and I loved that side of my life.

So it went on. And on.

Anyway, enough of that for now. It was the start of this journey I’ve been on, am still on. Funnily enough I don’t know if I would change it if I could. Maybe I’m finally learning that although I have mental health issues I also have worth?

Because what I’d like to share with anyone who can find a scrap of help in my ramblings is that no one should be defined by what someone else thinks, what they say, the shape someone else puts us in. It’s what we think of ourselves that matters and no matter how much you hate yourself there is good in you. There will be something that someone likes about you. Maybe there are even people that admire things in you. Somehow that voice of shame or despair is always louder and more insistant but take the good times on board. Its lonely feeling vunerable and exposed but there are people out there who understand the pain. Sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone you don’t know, that won’t be hurt by or afraid of your pain. Those bad days are so exhausting, it sometimes somehow feels much easier and less hassle to just hide it as best you can and carry on but reaching out for help is such a big step towards believing in yourself. Don’t give up.

I will also add that of course approaching your doctor or healthcare professional is to be recommended. I am in no way a trained health provider, mental health or any other.

The only training I’ve had is in life!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton