I was a victim of domestic abuse for some years. Towards the end of the relationship as I lost more and more weight the efforts of my ex to take me back became more extreme.
I couldn’t see that I was at the lower end of a healthy body weight but I could see the effect it had on him. I hated my looks for that.
My response eventually in an effort to become less of a prize was to start eating until I felt sick, several times a day. My mental health problems became worse then usual and I continued to binge and throw up.
I felt safer as I got bigger but hated myself more for it.
Fast forward to some years later. I suffered a brain injury and was at that time tested several times for diabetes which returned as negative .
After being put on medication to treat several health problems I simply couldn’t stop eating. I felt awful, both mentally and physically. I hated myself for my lack of control, couldn’t look in a mirror and constantly wore men’s clothes in sizes way too big for even me.
During a routine appointment with my doctor I happened to mention that I was eating not because I was hungry but more because I felt sick. He suggested a test for diabetes. I told him I’d had them before but he gently insisted.
I thought it was a waste of time. I was simply a greedy person eating food for comfort and to escape the past.
I hated myself and often thought it would have been better if I had died during the brain injury, I was simply a huge ugly useless burden.
This diabetes test came back positive, with blood sugars way higher than they should be.
I started taking the medication for diabetes. The weight started falling off with no real effort on my part
I couldn’t understand it, surely undiagnosed diabetics lost weight? Why had I put it on? I spoke to a dietitian who told me that sometimes diabetes causes weight gain as the body can’t metabolise sugar so stores it immediately as fat. Treating it effectively stopped that.
But why had I tested negatively a few months previously?
It turned out that some of the medication I was taking could contribute to weight gain. That coupled with my unhealthy relationship with food was a big reason.
It also transpired that the government had changed the criteria that would enable someone to be diagnosed with diabetes. Just a few months earlier I would have satisfied the criteria for diabetes.
I’m still very overweight. I still can’t look in a mirror for longer than I must. I feel stupid for hating my body earlier in life when actually I wasn’t at all fat then.
My negative attitude tells me I don’t know if I can ever lose weight with the meds I’m on.
Rational thought knows that there’s every chance I can but I’m scared of failure and every time I eat something that doesn’t conform to the idea of healthy I feel tremendous guilt. I sometimes wonder if it’s a form of self harm.
There is a way but… The pull of the instant fix of food is very strong and I struggle to find a healthy way to redirect onto.