Ffs

Yesterday I was finishing off a blog post that I had put quite a bit of myself into.

Then I accidentally deleted the post. I was so upset . Wasted all that time writing then another 2 hours trying to get it back. I hate wasting time like that, because I tend to procrastinate anyway which just makes it worse.

It’s been a really hard week after the sudden death of someone close. Feeling upset about something so trivial after a huge emotional blow seems so disrespectful which is upsetting in itself. It’s hard to remember it’s not surprising that small things seem to take on a bigger impact than they deserve, it’s not surprising that my mind seems to be working in fits and starts .

The impact of this death on my family has been huge. It’s my job as a parent and family member to put the family and friends first, to be a support and sounding board, to listen and offer what small comfort is possible, to hold , to have understanding of each persons individual reactions, memories and feelings, each persons pain and guilt but also the laughs and recollection of the many happy times shared.

It’s normal for me to tend to my own self care last. That’s something that has been happening for many years. But at the moment it’s not helpful for me to neglect my own health – unfortunately I’m unable to change the habit of so many years. I know the cycle very well, the result of me giving everything to everyone is going to end in a crash for me and my trying to hide the extent of my failure to cope.

The balance of pain and anxiety, worthlessness and self loathing against positivity is out of proportion.

Being in a dark place again is becoming overwhelming, the inability to concentrate and focus, the feelings of failure when another day passes without managing to cope with the general things in life that build up if we don’t get them done. My coping mechanism is beginning to break again.

I’m trying to even out the scales of life a bit. The recent death has weighed heavily and joined with the weight of the normal problems in my life but I’m now trying to even things out a bit. I notice the storm clouds are dark but there is beauty and majesty there too. I see how the grass recovers to stand again after being bent, bruised, crushed against the cold hard ground, even after being broken . I see the beauty and future in the sunrise but also the richness and promise of change and moving forward in the sunset. The silent company and unconditional undemanding love I have around me from my animals has always been immensely important and such a comfort.

I hope to be able to cope with the latest challenge, I hope to be able to be the unending support at any hour of the day or night that I need to be. Mostly I hope to be able to accept this pain and uncertainty with strength to spare.

Depression…

Feeling that soul sucking dark hole hovering around the edges of my awareness, following my every step, lurking , waiting to trap me . Making my anxiety burn brighter as I know it’s there, it’s going to suck at my steps as I pass. Trying to keep my head up and keep walking to the love of life I know I have but I’m scared.

It’s right there with me, matching my stride and even though I know it’s there it’s going to get me, catch up while I’m busy trying to live and pretend it’s not malignant.

I feel like I’m trying to appease it, feeding it bits of my brightness, smiling and laughing over the top of it – but when it gets me I know it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be bad and I can’t avoid it or pretend it’s finally my friend and isn’t going to smash my life and my dreams.

Again.

I’m not sure if I am going to be able to get up after this one, but I feel this way every time. I’m so tired of fighting, but I say that every time and tired or not the inevitability of it flooding me is dragging at my steps.

It’s going to wait until I have taken my eye off it and it’s going to drown me, like it always does.

This time I might have something to help me cling on. There maybe a circle of people who know this enemy. They might be able to help me keep my head above the foul stuff siphoning off my optimism, there may be a strength I can lean on a very little bit.

I have looked for some support online, I have found first one, then two, then a few more people who may have enough strength at the moment to lend me a little of theirs in bits and pieces. People that might care, a little.

Problem I have is in reaching out and asking for help. I can’t do it. I’m so worried about appearing weak – or vulnerable. Then it’s so tiring explaining how I feel, why I feel this way . Exhausting to reassure the people offering help that they have made a difference.

Meeting the expectations and hopes that the people that care have, that I’m feeling better,

Not worrying those that really love me is a very deep seated problem that I need therapy for, there’s a lot behind that and that in itself causes some terrible anxiety.

Hoping I can hide from it for a while longer, so I don’t have to face it at all. I know it’s not realistic but I can’t break the cycle.

I need to help myself and keep the real picture in my mind. I need to breathe.

I’ll go and look for techniques to practice to get me through the next few minutes, then that leads to hours and that on to days.

But I can’t hide forever and I just don’t know how to handle the malignant filth locked inside me that causes all this.

Writing helps me keep it contained but it’s spilling over , swelling and blurring the lines.

I hate this.

Today I am confused.

I know I wrote a bit already about living on medication, being easily distracted and the brain fog that comes with chronic pain , fatigue and medication.

Today, along with that I’m worried over issues that are very personal to me. I have a very sick horse who is like a member of my family in the vet hospital at the moment. It is hurting that there is nothing I can do, nothing at all that will make any difference. It really bothers me that I have no control over what happens to her now and I must rely on the vet. I have faith in the vet and trust them, it just hurts that I can’t do anything.

That is related to a deeper fear, loss of control…

Also on today’s menu we have fear of letting down the family because of brain fog interfering with normal housekeeping duties, a hearty main course of pain, served with fatigue and a side order of mess from not tidying enough. We will follow that with a fine dessert of the frustration of losing ideas and memories to brain damage and brain fog.

There is some relationship here with this lose of control thing, to not being self sufficient and losing interest in looking after myself, having no Me Time and taking pride in my appearance.

I’m losing impetus to getting started to enjoy my world . There’s always the guilt trip I take myself on and lack of compassion for myself because I feel I’m not making the most of what life has to offer. I have had near death experiences and I am frustrated with myself for not making every day count.

Procrastinating and not learning a lesson from my own ideas to beat it seriously annoys me!

I have been in a bad way mentally but am getting my act back together. Until the next time at least .

I have been spending some time in a place very very dear to me and allowing my surroundings to wash over me, bringing peace, tranquility, sense of self and appreciating what this place gives me.

I wonder if without that would I be able to cope with my present situation?

My thoughts are everywhere, spread wide and jumping from one thing to another without completion and it leaves me edgy, nervous with no real focus on what is the thing that needs addressing, where to start to smooth some of the jagged edges.

I want to reach out to make a connection somewhere but the same old soul sucking blanket creeps over me, am I worth anyone’s time?

When will I be found out I’m not anything, that I’m me? When do I stop checking around, behind, ahead for the next attack on my world, when I get exposed as not being good enough or having made a huge mistake somewhere that I didn’t realise about?

I know I’m not the only one that feels like this but it makes you feel lonely. Alone and looking in from the outside.

I hope to find some support , understanding and backup on this journey but I’m just going to keep trying to steadily push forward and gain some more understanding of what’s happening to me and so many others

Pilgrim

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Why do I compare myself, my abilities and my life to how others portray themselves…

How many times have I compared myself to others social media success stories? Those ones where you know the owner of those stories is bullshitting?

The constant bright shiny status updates that make me feel inadequate and less. Feel like giving up and I’m not sure what I should be giving up – give up some nameless unspoken competition? Why not in a good way, why more like there’s no point trying because no matter what I do it will never match up to those bright twinkling statuses. I’m not worth anyone’s time and I’m smaller, somehow less me and somehow dingy and dirty.

Even the ones that I know are a smooth featureless constant stream of false declarations “look at me, my life is most wondrous , sprinkled with fairy dust and pure gold glitter “ they still get to me somehow, even though I know they aren’t quite as blissfully happy as they project…

I still feel as though somehow they have achieved something I’ve missed, something I’ve looked at from the outside,something I’ve been reaching for but never quite grasped as it slips away again and I submerge under the wave of depression, waiting for the time I’ll roll back up again to thrash around frantically trying to grab that slippery glittery beast that is called Happiness. Success. Achievement. The admiration that others appear to expect, to bask in…

I didn’t want to be in any competition. Don’t want to compete with other’s loveliness , didn’t set out to best anyone else. I’m not interested in being someone else, in projecting a false impression of my life, pretending to be something I’m not.

So why do I still find myself sometimes comparing?

I want to work on acceptance of my good qualities as well as getting a grip on the bad. Balance and harmony are within reach, I just need to learn how to accept and allow them.

Xx

Effects of medication

Today I wanted to write about the effects of living with taking lots of medication.

First though, before I start waffling I’d like to say something. I have recently been in a hard place mentally, been struggling with the demons of depression and have had some trouble getting the anxiety under control…

Thank you Gem @GemsQuirkyGemsQuirky for reaching out and touching me when it mattered.This girl is a star and does a great podcast too!

So, living on medication. I take a fair few medications for one thing or another ( and another. And another. And anoth… Ah, you know ) so I do understand how it feels to spend your days in a cloud. What I don’t quite get is the change from one day to the next how these drugs affect me – some days I feel quite with it, fairly on the ball. Other days I’m so far off the ball Im not too sure there ever was a ball – was I imaging the ball? Maybe the ball is off having a cup of tea with the plot coz I lost that too.

Ok, I knew it. Here’s where the waffle starts now, please feel free to laugh.

I heard someone mention brain fog the other day. Oh yes, I feel that lady’s point. Brain fog, it’s a state I find myself in frequently. When you feel as if you ( just you ) are looking out through a thick layer of fog that’s wrapped around you, you’re breathing it in and it’s moulded around your contours, weighing you down.

I haven’t ever spoken to my doctor about this. I wonder what he’d say?

I don’t want the hassle of trying to cope with the effects of changing my meds. I’ve no clue which one causes brain fog and fatigue- most of them probably. There must be some sort of reaction between all these pills – sometimes I think there’s some kind of chemical fusion reaction happening!

There’s a strange sort of fascination in me about the effects of all these drugs. I recon I’ve got more shit floating around in me than most people would think is possible but I do still give myself a hard time for feeling tired or foggy.

I’m going to try and find out a bit more about how medication affects fatigue. I expect there’s a lot of information out there about it, I just haven’t come across it yet.

I’ll come back with a future post about what I find!

Hurting today.

Trying to get my fears and worries straightened  out without hurting anyone , trying to hide the problems, appear strong. Protect the ones I love.

But there’s trouble here, as much as I’m trying to force out the darkness and keep all under my wing secure.

I’m hurting so much, I don’t know where to turn. I’ve lost my friends because I haven’t had the energy and interest to keep being interested and interesting. 

I can’t speak to my partner, not because he’s deliberately not interested but he’s not, really. He’s said himself that all he can do is agree with me, he doesn’t know what to say or how to think so although you’d imagine it would be good to have someone agree with all you say , actually it’s awful sometimes because I know I’m talking to myself.

He can only nod and agree with all I say – so I am sitting talking to my own reflection and like my reflection when I move away the memory, the involvement is finished. 

Moving pictures and bright colours catch his attention and the focus is away from me and on to the distraction  or whatever the interest is. Not deliberately, it just happens and I can see it every time. I hurt every time. But it’s not anyone’s fault and I feel guilty for minding…

There is polite pretence at listening , understanding, but no pretend involvement- that isn’t really understood and after all these years it’s known it isn’t needed, really. 

Only by me… 

Yes, but that part of me isn’t understandable by my life partner. It’s  that the mental wires just don’t connect his real understanding and engagement, any involvement or investment. 

It’s not deliberately done, it just happens, it’s difficult to keep his attention for too long. That timeframe varies so much too.

It’s so hard to always be the support, forever understanding how his wiring works. He’s worth it but it’s lonely and I don’t know where to go from here. It’s sad but I won’t keep on except when I think it’s really important. 

This, the latest thing is important. One big thing balanced on top of a tottering pile of small, medium and big unresolved problems.

Is there any good in me? These continual failures are adding up. .

It’s painful.

I so want to help , but the harder I try the more mess I make.

I feel stupid for hoping there was any way forward, well , any improvements for me anyway. Partner is completely happy with how things are. That’s the thing with being on the autistic spectrum. His social responses, they aren’t there in the way other people expect them to be.  For us, what’s  reasonable and normal is not at all what others expect but we manage.

It would be cruel of me to turn that inside out.

I don’t want to cause hurt, I’m grateful for the things I have, I truly am.  I don’t need much to be fair, just want some support and care through the painful times.

Maybe one day I will learn to live with what I have. Im just in pain now. It’ll pass.

So tired.

Pilgrim

Hope

Sometimes you have to feel a little hope.  Hope that your next project will come off, or that your last project stays successful.  Hope that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, or that the light says bright for a while.

I don’t feel cheated when the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a light to shine along the path ahead, I just get a bit pissed off when the light shows itself for a bit then is snuffed out as if it simply didn’t exist – a bit of a will of the wisp. Leading you onward with the promise of good times ahead.

Thing is, there are good times ahead aren’t there? Even when the wisp of light is dim or has disappeared it’ll be back – often when you don’t expect it. There is a corner up ahead or a fork in the road. Both of those things need dealing with, in maybe slightly different ways though.

Thing is, we do have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of our choices. But our choices don’t always lead us to where we were expecting to go, do they? So many times I have hated myself and berated myself, shown no tolerance for the mistakes I have made. Often those mistakes are influenced by circumstance and I have blown the problem out of all propotion in my mind…

Thing is, no one wants to think they are weak but it’s natural to notice there is weakness inside us. We all have weaknesses. All of us. We have strengths too but sometimes in  response to what’s happening around us things can all be too much and we understandably  get swamped for a bit.

Remembering how I would treat a loved one in my situation does help sometimes. I find words of encouragement then! Also, I do talk to myself. That way I can be sure someone is listening 🙂  Give yourself a break, treat yourself and speak to yourself the way you would someone you really care about. It’s worth a try, really it is.

X